My Sample Script (LIVEJOURNAL)

I may be starting my own campus tv show (or segment) which is similar to SNL’s Weekend Update. I emailed my script proposal to the AUTV station, and you can read it yourself below. It does have some edgy humor, but I think those with a funny bone will enjoy it.
Good morning, ladies and germs! And in case its a different time of day, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight! Welcome to the latest, or should I say premiere, edition of FICTIONAL NEWS THAT WON’T MAKE YOU SNOOZE. It’s my personal theory that actual news is, to be blunt, dull and repetitive. Iraq gets more screwed up, the economy is screwy, and Michael Jackson screws another child…do you really want to hear this drivel day after day? I thought not. And now, without further adieu, the top stories of the day.
Obesity is slowly becoming the #1 preventable cause of death in America, outbeating even tobacco. Just yesterday, three fat women were hit by a truck because they were so fat that they could not run. The blood trail stretched for just over 3 miles, more than twice that of a normal sized victim of road rage. Here is Dr. Weiner with his medical advice to those suffering from obesity:
Dr. Weiner: “We’ve discovered that an overbearing quantity of digestable content containing high fructose corn syrup is dentramental, and a key catalyst in the degradation of human volume and well being.
So what’s your advice?
Dr. Weiner: “Don’t eat food.”
Thank you doctor. In other news, several University students have become ill after consuming food at the campus dining hall. While conclusive proof has yet to be discovered, it stands to reason that something is seriously amiss. Here today is a student, Joshua Tompkins, who has consumed campus food just under five minutes ago. Josh, how do you feel?
Josh: I feel fine. The campus food has never been better.
So you’re perfectly fine? No stomach pains, anal bleeding, or foamy diarhea?
Josh: I already told you that…that…oh god……(spits up greenish chunky substance all over news table, falls off screen and dies)
>brief pause<
This just in, Alfred University mourns the loss of one of its own. More news as this surprising and mysterious case develops…Our second story of the day focuses on President Bush. Media attention has been primarily on presidential-hopeful John Kerry. But what does President Bush himself have to say about the upcoming election? The Bush administration has released a series of attack ads to shoot down Kerry’s growing odds at obtaining the presidency. But now you can hear exactly what Bush has in mind if re-elected, here, in this newsroom. Please welcome our very special guest, the President of these United States.
>insert patriotic applause<
First of all Mr. President, we can’t thank you enough for joining our program.
Dubya: Not a problem, I rather enjoyed the waffles your staff provided me. Although the syrup was a little under-sticky.
Or let me put it in plain American lingo: It was not sticky enough.
Alright…um, first off. How in the world do you plan to fix the U.S. economy if you do in fact serve a second term.
Dubya: It’s up to the American people to do that. There are job opportunities all across the nation, you just have to milk it. Americans need to take the teets of opportunity and milk it dry. >looks at camera, squints< Squeeze harder, and God bless America.
Very interesting, Mr. President. Speaking of farm animals, what is your opinion on the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears? These famous women have proven to be a bad example to our youngsters. My 2nd grade niece said, and I quote, “being a slut is cool”. While there are many problems internationally, our children are always a priority. What would you suggest?
Dubya: What would I suggest to the young peoples in dealing with hot, volumtuous women?
If that’s the way you want to phrase it…
Dubya: I say squeeze harder.
I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I have my guesses. Lets not go there Mr. President. Instead, let us move on to the matter of Saddam Hussein. He has recently been provided with an attorney. What are your feelings on this? Should a terrorist really be treated like anyone else under the judicial system?
Dubya: Absolutely not. If I had my way I would have Mr. Hussein run over by 27 all-terrain vehicles. With spikes on the tires. Then I would pee in Mr. Hussein’s mouth so his last words would be him gurgling on my urine.
Although he is likely guilty, what would you do if he were in fact found innocent?
Dubya: I would have Mr. Hussein run over by 27 all-terrain vehicles. With spikes on the tires. Then I would pee in Mr. Hussein’s mouth so his last words would be him gurgling on my urine.
Well then I guess we know how you feel about Mr. Hussein. Now what about Osama bin Laden? Rumor suggests that you’re simply waiting to capture him until closer to the election to gain last minute ground. Your thoughts?
Dubya: I admit it. We have in fact captured bin Laden and he has been sitting in a jail cell since December of 2002.
This is astonishing! Why has this not been revealed to the American public?
Dubya: Why haven’t I…revealed what now?
That bin Laden has been captured for nearly 18 months!
Dubya: Did I say that? My bad. wasn’t thinking straight. It must have been something that was in those waffles.
Thank you again for taking the time to crap on the American public, Mr. President.
Dubya: Always a pleasure.
Finally we conclude this broadcast with the most popular joke of the month according to our recent online poll. And here it is: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?………………………….it was dead. Thank you, and remember, if it ain’t interesting news it ain’t real news!

>fade to black<

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