Parent E-Mails (LIVEJOURNAL)

My parents and I briefly talked on the phone today, but then my phone died. We then continued to correspond via email afterwards. Here are the emails in their entirety.
First an email from my Mom:

David…Just a reminder that whenever you had strep growing up , I always replaced your toothbrush after a few days on the antibiotic and washed all your clothes you had been wearing and your bedding (sheets, pillow and blanket). The doctor always told us to do that so you wouldn’t reinfect yourself or others. I hope you will take this precaution too.Hopefully you are using the Lysol spray too in your room to rid the germs. By the way,  I did call last night to check on you and you weren’t there. I left a message.Also, I did not hang up on you tonight – I said I was going to hang up because of the way the conversation was going and I did. I will not put up with that disrespectfulness from you anymore. I deserve better. …Mom

I then wrote back to her and my dad seperately.
This is the email I sent to my mom:

“Also, I did not hang up on you tonight – I said I was going to hang up because of the way the conversation was going and I did.”Notice that you denied hanging up and then followed it with admitting it. I hope this was a fluke and not something I’d expect our president to say. And if you listened to me on the phone, I mentioned that it was strep Type B, which does not typically require meds. I told you this. When I was younger I had Type A.And I didn’t disrespect you on the phone. Please explain if you believe the contrary. Communication is key, but I assume you won’t explain yourself since you rarely communicate your thoughts to me. Instead you say “I’m not going to tell you, you should know.” Well, did you ever think that maybe there’s a reason that I’m asking? 

Hoping for an answer,– David

I then wrote to my dad:

I told you the phone was dying, but I’m sure you think I hung up regardless. Always suspecting the worse is what I’ve come to expect from you both.Here’s the few points I was going to make before we got cut off. If any of these are inaccurate I’d like to know. You were going to accuse the Kill’s of providing me alcohol. Which they didn’t, and they didn’t deserve to listen to you rant and rave over something they didn’t do. You were trying to find someone to blame for the beers in my closet and they weren’t going to listen to your nonsense. So of course they didn’t call you. Why would they? To hear you falsely accuse them? To hear you presume? To hear you judge? If anything YOU should have called them back and apologized for being judgmental when had no basis for being so. Conclusion #1: You judged Dwight’s parents and they knew it, so they didn’t call you back. And you’re pissed at them?! It should be the other way around but it would seem you’re far too afraid to admit wrong, something you love to accuse me of. Interesting how that works isn’t it? Then there’s the fact that you and mom make incredibley small efforts to keep in touch. Cold, emotionless emails and calling the wrong number even though I KNOW I told you guys the right one is all I get. You don’t call, I ask why, and I’m told that “the number doesn’t work”. And tonight mom finally reveals that you guys aren’t interested in making an effort to contact me because you both feel you deserve apologizes. This motive for not contacting me was not revealed until now, which shows that you both lack communication skills. Conclusion #2: You both can’t communicate. If you have a problem, address it directly. Don’t play silly silent treatment-esque games. Finally, mom hung up on me tonight. And you both complain about the times I’ve hung up on you. So being the brilliant parents that you are, you hang up on me and justify it be saying “well, you’ve hung up on us.” And you tell me that I always make up excuses? How about attempting to be, I dunno, an example? Conclusion #3: You guys actually used my actions as an excuse for your own, and at the same time continue to be hypocritical. Do neither of you see what you’re doing? It’s obvious mom certainly doesn’t, based on the email she just now sent: “Also, I did not hang up on you tonight – I said I was going to hang up because of the way the conversation was going and I did.” Very classy. Other than that, I’d like to know how your therapy is going since you never mention it. Also, I’d like to know grandma/grandpa’s email address because they called and left a caring message and I like talking to those that care. It’s refreshing. – David

My mom, and partially my dad, responded with the following: 

I ‘m sorry you need everything said just so David  – yes, I hung up but I told you I was going to and didn’t just hang up without saying I was ending the conversation as you do. This is what happens when we communicate and I don’t want this anymore. Yes, I have communicated with you more then I should have needed to but you choose not to hear me. You pick everything I say or write apart so why bother ? I am done with this word game you like to play. I understand you cut your Dad off without any warning – that is true hanging up on someone. 

You were disrespectful of me on the phone and are consistently so when we talk. We have done more than you’ll ever appreciate  and to throw in our faces that we don’t is not true. We are not making the calls because we are waiting for a sincere apology and we have put the ball in your hands. We don’t have much more to say given what has transpired previously.  It is not all take, take, take in this world even though that is what you do with us.

Here is communication… You are someone we don’t know anymore, your values and morals are not something we are proud of. Quite honestly, we are disappointed in the direction you have taken in your life. You don’t regret any thing that you do. Getting caught drinking on campus is one of them.  We do not, and never will approve of your drinking at this time  of your life – it is not only illegal for you to drink, and dangerous when driving,   but it is unacceptable on campus as you found out.  Even drinking in our house, knowing how we feel about that and we asked you not to, you still chose to do so this summer. Talk about another show of disrespectfulness. We can’t live like this anymore and we won’t. We have that choice. 

You have a lot to lose David,  if you continue the path you have chosen. You need to do some soul searching where you are heading.  Does that direction include us? When living under our roof, you need to respect us or rethink your living arrangements. We have asked you to call at least once a week to let us know how you are and how school is going because we care. We deserve to know how you are doing.  It is you cutting the communication  off between us. What happens next is up to you and we’ll do what we have to do.

We do love you David but we can’t ignore things as they are. Changes have to happen. 

Mom and Dad

Finally I sent one last email back to them:

Naturally dad didn’t open his ears. I told him when I called back that the phone was dying. And guess what? It died. Sadly I must again address your email. There was far too much nonsense in it: “You were disrespectful of me on the phone and are consistently so when we talk.” Thanks for restating what you already said, but not specifying what was so disrespectful. I simply tried to convey that I want my parents to call me once in awhile. Not every week, not all the time. But perhaps once for starters. You left a message once, but that was it. Everyone gets calls from home whether they have good relationships with their parents or not. If you truly care about what’s going on campus, you’d bother to call and ask. It’s easy to say you care, but if you can’t even pick up a phone it’s evident you don’t care as much as you claim to. “I am done with this word game you like to play.”  I don’t play any word games. You simply made a really silly statement, quite frankly. If I announce that I’m going to hang up and then quickly do so to you, I’d hope you wouldn’t complain then. Because that’s what you did to me. Or don’t I deserve equal respect? I’m not just the inferior son and your not just the superior parent. We’re both individuals who deserve to be treated with decency. While I’ve hung up before, I expected more out of my own mother. “We are not making the calls because we are waiting for a sincere apology and we have put the ball in your hands. We don’t have much more to say given what has transpired previously.” As I recall it, dad had compared me in a negative way to Grandma Barnes. I expressed that I didn’t want to hear such insulting comparisons. He then walked towards me like he wanted to hit me. Rather than back away in fear of my own father (something I was tired of doing in the past) I remained in place and he walked into me. This is what’s called “stepping” (ask Danielle if you don’t know this term). He then, oddly, thought I was going to hurt you and thus tackled me to the ground. If he had been correct in this assessment, then he would have been justified in holding me down. Except he wasn’t, and DIDN’T just hold me down. He slammed my head several times resulting in a cut by my temple. His fingernail dug into my arm until it broke the skin. I wound up with a large bump on my head. This does not happen from simply holding a person down. This was an assault. If this happened again I would indeed curse at him again. Did you expect me to say “Wow, you’re a nice Daddy!” while I was being attacked by him?? My reaction was more than understandable, and apologizing for it would be assinine. And then you, mother, trying to cover up for dad made you an accomplice. You both wronged me in the worst way possible, and YOU’RE the ones who won’t call me because I SHOULD APOLOGIZE?! You’re Christian righteous can blind you to the truth if you want it to, but I recommend re-assessing what actually occured rather than what you wish had occured.     “We do not, and never will approve of your drinking at this time  of your life – it is not only illegal for you to drink, and dangerous when driving, but it is unacceptable on campus as you found out.” Here’s a classic case of parents expecting their kids to have the exact same mindset as themselves. I don’t approve some of the things you do and you don’t hear me complaining. Am I supposed to only do things that have the Barnes Stamp of Approval or am I allowed to make my own choices? Hell, you should be PROUD that you raised a son who can think for himself! But you see this as a curse, as something so terrible. And as far as the drinking and driving, that is an example of nonsensical bullshit. I have NEVER done this, so please refrain from yet another baseless accusation. It’s pathetic.  “Here is communication…You are someone we don’t know anymore, your values and morals are not something we are proud of. Quite honestly, we are disappointed in the direction you have taken in your life. You don’t regret any thing that you do.”           That isn’t communication! All you’ve done is make a generalization!! WHAT values am I lacking? WHAT morals should I have in your eyes? WHAT exactly are you dissappointed in? WHAT direction should I be taking? You haven’t explained anything at all! Not explaining is an example of poor communication, so again you’ve proven one of my own points. You are not clear in the least and if you expect me to change anything you need to specify. Otherwise I have nothing to go on. Do you understand this? 

         And as for “not regreting anything”, that is simply an insult. People make mistakes and then learn from them. Should I regret my mistakes? No, because they enable me to better myself! But there are some things I regret. I mostly regret hoping for parents that love me for who I am, rather than constantly disapproving. But I guess that’s asking for too much. 

          I am most disturbed that you both aren’t pleased with the direction I’ve taken in my life. I’m doing well at a private university, I worked full time this summer as a graphic design intern, I’m working on campus, I have an agent interested in my short story work, I graduated high school with solid honors, I’ve had work published and done a booksigning,I earned a black belt after 5 years of training, I’ve been strong in fighting my OCD, I again have a healthy relationship with Kym, I don’t do drugs, I drink responsibly, I have plenty of friends on campus who are really good people, I have a balanced view on world affairs, I work out and make sure I get enough exercise…most parents would be thrilled with all this. You really have plenty to brag about. But all you people see is that I got in trouble ONCE on campus for drinking, that I sometimes swear, that I don’t go to church… that’s all you see.        I can only hope you’ll truly open your eyes and realize what a terrific son you have and be thankful for what you got rather than wishing I were more like this or that. Stop trying to mold me into an ideal son and accept my form for what it is. And if you can’t do that, then you truly have failed in the end as parents, despite all the great things you have done for me in the past. It would be a shame for all those great things to amount to nothing. – David 

Thoughts? Opinions?

October 18 2005, 21:39:31 UTC

hey there

idk what to do but i don’t want to never ever see you again… im part of this family yet, i feel like im being pulled in 2 ways. 1) you 2) mom n dad… You’re my brother and i want you to be happy, i want you to do and be everything you want to and have an amazing renewed relationship with your little midget, but i also don’t want to never see you again, because of all of the elevated shit… i know im not really part of any of this but i am part of your family and i love you, you’re MY brother

October 18 2005, 21:42:46 UTC


p.s.- i miss you David 😦


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