dave-ology (FACEBOOK NOTE)

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by “ology”.


What is your salad dressing of choice?
Plants shouldn’t dress so formally.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
The Standing Ovation. 
Wait… does that count?

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Wine and boobies. And triscuits.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Extra cheese, pepperoni, stuffed crust.

What do you like to put on your toast?


How many televisions are in your house?
Two, but one doesn’t get reception. It’s just used for watching movies, 
which I own… a couple of (cough, 373)

What color cell phone do you have?
Black and silver…env2.

Do you have an Ipod?


Are you right-handed or left-handed?
I’m ambidextrous. And my ambidextrous I mean I write with my right and jerk with my left.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Adnoids snipped out years ago, not to be confused with Altoids.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Kevin James.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope, never met Mike Tyson.


How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One and they suck. I’d return them but they cost $2.50.
It would cost more in gas money to take ’em back.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Christmas Eve, 2008. Ho ho ho!

Last person you talked to?
Discounting the voices in my head? Kaysie.

In person?
Kaysie. Hm, there’s a pattern here…

Last person you hugged?
My sister. We don’t get along, but it was her birthday so, y’know.



Any that I don’t get arrested on.

Day of the week?
Saturday, of course. Used to be because it meant Saturday morning 
cartoons but, despite the fact modern cartoons suck and I don’t watch 
’em, the day still brings back some anticipatory excitement.

Feh, I dunno. I guess I’ll go with May since it’s got my b-day.


Missing someone?
Let me check… nope, all still stacked neatly in the closet. 


What are you listening to?
Donnie Darko Soundtrack – The Killing Moon (Echo & The Bunnymen)


Worrying about?
Getting caught.


First place you went this morning?
Bathroom to drop a log. 

What’s the last movie you saw?
Angels and Demons, which was meh. 
Funny, person who filled this out before me wrote Donnie Darko and 
I was listening to that soundtrack when I got to the music question above…

Do you smile often?
Never, I clearly don’t have a sense of humor.

Sleeping alone tonight?
Unless you’re busy…?


1) Do you always answer your phone?
No, sometimes I intentionally ignore it just so folks are forced to listen to my amusing voicemail message.

2) It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
That’s private, asshole! Jesus Christ!! Have you no decency?

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?

3b) If you could change your hair color, what color would you change it to?
Maybe a solid black?

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

5) Do you own a digital camera?
Yep, good ol’ 5MP Kodak Easyshare.

6) Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes, waste of time. FLUSH!

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)?:
Closer to God, NIN

8) What’s on your wish list for your birthday?
Nuclear war.

9) Can you do push ups?
You can’t?? Are you… fat?

10) Can you do a chin up?:
See above, fatty.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?:
I’m nervous about how excited I am.

12) Do you have any saved texts?
I usually don’t resell my books, so yes. I save them.

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
I hit Jerry Seinfeld but he popped right up and asked 
“What’s the deal with manslaughter?” We’re friends.

14) Do you have an accent?
All of them.

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Crazy Bitch

16) Plans tonight?

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
No, I’m not a violent person.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Dynamite, Bacardi Big Apple, Condoms.

19) Have you ever been given roses?
One rose.

20) Current worry? Only one?
Am I scaring anyone? Are people really taking these answers seriously? And if so, why don’t they have a funny bone? Where do they live? How do I kill them? Is it funny to kill someone lacking a funny bone? Is it ironic? Is it murder or a punchline? Can it be both?

21) Current hate right now?
Water. It’s had a monopoly on this planet for years and I’m against big business.

22) Met someone who changed your life?
I don’t feel comfortable answering this question without wearing pants. Please hold.

(elevator music)



23) How did you bring in the New Year?
I didn’t, it just happened all on it’s own.

24) What song represents you?
America, the Beautiful. Minus the patriotic parts.

25) Name three people who might complete this?
This is a statement, not a question.

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Road trip!!

27.) have you ever dated someone for longer than a year?
Yes, I did. Well, she was a midget. Not sure if that qualifies as a “someone”.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Does that include fuck buddies? I’m not a fuck buddy type or anything, I just want clarification.
I don’t even swear either, I find it distasteful. 

30) Does anyone love you?
I thought Jesus loved everyone? Are you atheist or something? Are you a fucking sinner? Do you worship Satan? Then why write such a question? God, I hate you Question King. I hate you more than I could ever love. 

In all seriousness, tho… no. 

31) Would you be a pirate?
Only if I can still be Hitler. I think an eye-patch might be over the top.

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I sing ‘If I Were a Rich Man’ from Fiddler on the Roof while I squeeze the head of my penis so the hole opens and shuts. It looks like my penis can lip-sync and it’s quite funny. 

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
I’ve had people sing in front of me or around, but never TO me. Which is fine, really. 

34) When did you last cry?
10:52am on February 2, 1987.

36) Do you like to cuddle?
Yes, especially naughty bits. 

37) Have you held hands with anyone today?
Kind of.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Myself because I’m vain and have a god-like complex. It’s an unattractive quality but I happen to think I’m quite the character. If you disagree let me know so I can delete you from my facebook friends.

39) What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
I really didn’t listen to much music. 

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex’s/prospects?
I do. They don’t. I tried to explain why it’s a good idea by hitting them repeatedly in the kidnney but in the end they just said “ow, I’m calling the cops” so I called them a bitch and sought out random sex at the local clubs until the heat died down.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

42) Do you like pulpy orange juice?
No, I don’t like pulpy orange juice.
My darkest secret is now revealed!

43) What is something your friends make fun of you for?
No one has ever made fun of me in my entire life ever, times infinity, no givesies backsies.

44) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die.
If milk can deal with it, I can.

45) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Barnes isn’t the best last name. I’d change it to… hm. This is tough. How about “Multiple-Barn”.
David Edward Multiple-Barn Jr… it has a ring.

46) Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?:
For a grand?! I’d drink goddamn urine!


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