Introspections

DISCLAIMER: This lengthy note is a therapeutic exercise and is above-average in terms of how revealing it is about my life. If you view such things as overly self-indulgent (not my intent) or consider yourself to be harshly judgmental in general (not my intended audience), then please don’t bother reading. But if you decide to give it a shot, feel free to leave some comments. I’m the type that likes to put it all out there and receive insights back in return. I think it’s important to do this once in awhile to maintain objectivity rather than get lost in the subjective and it can prove to be humbling at times. It’s a good way to stay grounded.
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Meh, I’ve been experiencing a severe lack of motivation lately and I broadly know why: I’m going through a bout of depression. Oh yes, even the wise-cracking, darkly humorous Dave experiences such things. I’ve been trying to narrow down the precise cause and decided that writing down my introspections as they appear in my head, a purely free-flow of ideas, might be relieving. 
  • WORK. 
  • I’m not facebook friends with my students so I can safely speak about them: they’re idiots. Absolute fucking degenerates unlike any people I’ve ever personally encountered. One of them goes on rants about who Jesus will or will not save (he had the fucking balls to say right to my face that my deceased cousin is in hell because suicide is a “mortal sin”), is incapable of focusing if any female is within view because he “struggles with lust” and will consequently respond by praying aloud for Jesus to “clean his mind”, wanders the hallways and starts verbal/physical conflicts with other students, sexually harasses other tutors, and is otherwise a goddamn general prick (in case you haven’t gathered already). And that’s my first student of the day, every day. Nice start, eh? 
  • Next up is either a kid that only shows up sporadically, but when he does show the district has not provided any work for him to complete or an educational plan of any kind. The kid is in limbo and so far it’s more about baby-sitting which is ridiculous. The other, scheduled for the same time slot, simply never showed up except once or twice and recently was pulled from my roster because he’s now sitting in a prison cell for a yet-to-be-known crime. For a little perspective on this kid, his first police encounter was when he was caught driving the family car with an unlicensed gun in the passenger seat. WHEN HE WAS TEN YEARS OLD!!!  

  • Finally, I have an afternoon student in the field, a girl supposedly suffering from bi-polar disorder but frankly is pretty much just a rebellious teenage bitch. She barely leaves the house, chain-smokes in her room, hurls f-bombs at her parents without being provoked, often sleeps until 4pm (thus we have to cancel our sessions) and when she is awake she refuses to speak to me nor do any work in any subject unless it’s a health worksheet like “Are You An Introvert or an Extrovert?” (easy bullshit work). Believe it or not, this kid has put forth this same level of effort, or lack thereof, since and including the 7th grade. Guess what? She’s now in 9th. That’s right, she’s been promoted a full grade level for two years in a row despite having nothing to show for it. And how have her parents responded? In the past year alone they gave her a laptop, an iPod touch, a giant flat-screen TV built into her bedroom wall, and a FUCKING PUPPY named “Precious”. Isn’t that sweet? Even more alarming is that one of my top superiors specifically told me that I’m not allowed to assign anything below a “D” for any student. What kind of school system demands every student pass regardless of the effort put forth?? What kind of parents raise(d) these kids?? Why are taxpayer dollars being wasted on this “special” program?? While I do enjoy the $22/hour pay, why don’t I receive health benefits considering there is zero security in my building and half the students wield knives?? (How do I know? Because they always show them to me like it’s fucking show-and-tell. These kids have zero self-awareness.) 
  • And people wonder why Sch’dy has a 59% graduation rate…
  • THE LADIES 
  • This has been a tricky area for awhile now. I was more/less seeing this one chick who was, at the start of our relationship, married. Already you can tell that this was destined to be complicated. They eventually separated but she refused to get a divorce to “keep the door open”. Then he broke her jaw by smashing her face into a fridge. Naturally I was the one who showed up at the ER to be there for her while the still-technical-husband had fled. She didn’t press charges and still refused to get a divorce. Then he was arrested for multiple counts of robbery and two counts of rape. Only THEN did she file for divorce. And did I mention they share a 5-year old son? Jesus. Anyway, as you can imagine our relationship or whatever you want to call it wasn’t entirely reliable nor stable. At one point we didn’t talk for over a month (because she was pissed I exposed our little affair to her still-then husband… shame on me for introducing some honesty to the situation, right?) and I met someone else. Then she wanted back in and I allowed it buuuuuut didn’t end things with the other one for a couple weeks. Was it cheating? I don’t know, I tend to think it wasn’t. There was never an exclusive arrangement and I wasn’t actively trying to see both of them at the same time. There was a bit of an overlap which in hindsight I should have avoided, but I don’t think it was too awful either.
  • Well, now I’m 6 months away from moving to California and it’s become quite clear that things with the first chick have to end because there’s no chance we’d move to CA together (I’m not in any position nor desire to be a step-father and she remains adamant that her alleged-rapist ex-husband be allowed visitation rights to see that poor kid) but the other one, who I see 3-5x a week as platonic friends (which is maddening as hell because I want much, much more) is now very interested in moving with me. But clearly there needs to be some kind of relationship first before living together (we’re looking at a 1-bedroom apartment so… y’know). But of course she’s seeing some other guy right now, one who has no aspirations for a college degree and works full-time at a gas station and is content settling in Sch’dy (which she absolutely does not want to do). So why is she still with him? Why do girls stick with such douche bag guys?? One chick won’t divorce her husband even after he breaks her jaw and the other remains attached to a loser with no prospect of delivering her desired future. 
  • Now yes, I know your first reaction is probably “Dave, get rid of these girls!” and I’m half in agreement with you. The divorced one is definitely wrapping up, demoted to a friendship with the occasional slip-up (if you catch my drift). There were good times while it lasted and I don’t regret most of it, but it’s way past time for that chapter to end. The other chick… well, that’s tricky because I have too much invested emotionally. Nobody has ever shared more in common with me, male or female, and been so attractive at the same time. On paper, and I’m really trying to be objective here, we’re a perfect match. She’s expressed wanting to meet with my parents, spends more time with me than anyone, wants to move to CA with me, shares a generally undeniably strong connection with me… but doesn’t want to officially date or do anything remotely physical? Hell, she’s blatantly admitted her interest in me “in that way” and she specifically expressed that she feels “more secure and comfortable” with me than with anyone else. So what’s the hold up? I could see this going on for a few weeks or even a couple months, but we’re reaching almost five months at this stage now. I don’t wish to demean this by viewing the situation with a mechanical, calculating lens… but it just doesn’t add up. It’s like having a girlfriend that you can’t touch or officially attribute with the title of “girlfriend”. It’s bizarre, to say the least. If there’s a light at the end of this tunnel it’ll be worth it, if not I’m in for a colossal disappointment. And yes, I’m fully braced for the latter. 
  • PARENTS
  • Everyone has parental issues, but have you ever had your mother hold your head and accuse you of being possessed by an actual demon solely because you brought home a book titled “The Gospel According to the Simpsons”, a book that points out the traditional family values encouraged by the show that you got FOR HER because you thought she might enjoy reading it but because some Faith Formation group said the show is anti-family she thinks it’s a sinful program? Have you ever been evicted from an apartment and needed a place to crash for a week and both your parents said “too bad” in the dead of winter? And changed the locks?? Did your dad tackle you to the ground during a verbal argument, then bash your head against a piece of furniture causing your head to fucking bleed? And then he AND your mom decided to hide what happened by telling everyone that YOU attacked your own mother and your dad was merely “doing his duty” by “protecting” her? Even though she wasn’t even in the room during the argument?? Have your parents called extended family in an effort to have you collectively banned from an annual traditional Thanksgiving dinner?? I didn’t think so. Needless to say, my relationship with those two bumbling idiots hit an irreparable rock-bottom years ago, and I’ve consistently been the only one to ever utter words of apology. They remain steadfast in their self-righteousness and/or outright delusion. It’s a reality I have come to accept, but it still weighs on my subconscious. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it would I?
  • LEGAL ISSUES
  • Oh, and did I mention I’m also set to be on trial for a felony and a misdemeanor charge? The latter is inconsequential and even if convicted it would merely result in fines so I won’t bother with the details… but a felony?? On the plus side I have documents that prove my innocence so the odds of conviction are extremely low, but the mere fact that there’s even a chance of becoming a convicted felon (which would result in prison time of 1-4yrs) is incredibly stressful to think about. You never know how a jury will vote. I’m hoping for a better plea bargain to be offered during the pre-trial conferences which start in a month or two. But this whole legal shit has been going on since July 17, 2010. It’s starting to wear on me.
CONCLUSION
Well, I started this little writing exercise with the intention of pinpointing precisely what has me feeling so depressed lately and I realize now it’s more or less a bit of everything. That’s not as concrete or specific as I wanted but at least I narrowed it down to a few broad categories. The difference now, I think, is that everything is converging at once and it’s all snowballed into one big tumbling collective of shit. Why? Probably because I’m moving to CA in August and I’m reflecting on everything that has transpired in my recent years in NY in addition to speculating on the fallout. I can only hope that CA will be the fresh start I need, a way of distancing myself from all the nonsense. In an ideal world, the non-divorced chick will be moving with me, I’ll get a job that truly utilizes my creative talents, and my legal record will remain clean and unscathed. The majority of that is absolutely obtainable and I’m finding comfort in that.
I’ll be 26 this May, and all I really desire at this point is some normalcy. I want to live in a sensible climate with a good woman to laugh at life with, who encourages and will help foster my artistic aspirations which I’d reciprocate in return; a cycle of positive reinforcement, which would carry to starting a family of my own that actually makes the happiness of it’s members the top priority instead of being distracted by extreme theism, violence, or willful ignorance; I want to show the naysayers and failures how to do things the right way. 
I want to live up to the pedestal I perhaps inaccurately or unfairly put myself on, to prove that my positive view of myself isn’t about ego but about the foreshadowing of a future reality. I want it all. And yes, I know that’s a pretty high fucking goal… but even if I fall short of greatness, I can certainly take pride in finding goodness.
And there’s nothing inherently bad about that.
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