How I Stopped Wondering and Learned to Understand the GOP

I’ve been very confused as to what motivates a modern-day Republican to stand by policies that cause so much harm to the majority of people in this country. Then I read a stunning new poll and everything became perfectly clear…

45% of Republicans have had zero or only one sexual partner in their lifetime based on interviews conducted with 1,071 Republicans and Independent voters between January 13-15, 2012 (Public Policy Polling).  reference:

The political right suddenly makes sense to me. I mean, if you can’t get human beings to have sex with you then logically you’d unleash your sexual frustrations by lashing out at others. Such as…

  • Blowing away third world countries… because you’re not getting blown.
  • Making love to corporations (which you consider “people” now, so it isn’t weird).
  • Devoting yourself to someone who “rose” over 2,000 years ago… because that’s about how long it’s been since you did the same so you can relate.
  • Engorging the deficit… because it’s nice to have something grow and burst, even if it’s a financial bubble that ruins the economy.
  • Sending young, fertile, better-looking people overseas… to cut down on the competition.
  • Bitterly seeking to take away abortion rights… from all those women that wouldn’t sleep with you. Which is okay, since you probably like men anywa— er, I mean because women have cooties.
  • Opposing equal rights to homosexuals… to trick us into thinking you’re straight.
  • Fucking the environment… because the environment can’t say no.

The psychology behind why a Republican believes what a Republican believes is easy to narrow down now. Like most things, it’s all about sex (or lack thereof). And so is the solution: In order to save the country we must fuck the Republican Party before they fuck… well, everything. And they certainly couldn’t complain if we took action against their radical ideology because, as they so often like to remind us, they fully support premature — er, pre-emptive action. We’d merely be taking their own advice. Funny how their policies even lead to them getting fucked in the end, isn’t it?

So let’s skip the middle part of the story where we all suffer and just jump to that ending this election year, shall we? It’s high time the middle class acknowledged that it has a higher purpose, that it doesn’t need to be collateral damage just because a pack of religious, homophobic war mongers think it’s somehow patriotic. That’s not to say you should all run to the Democrats, but you Republicans out there need to recognize that your Party, as it stands today, has been so thoroughly hijacked by radicals that it is no longer of any benefit to the public at large. This doesn’t mean you need to throw away all of your conservative principles and beliefs and become hardcore hippies. Just drop some of the crazy shit and get smart.

Here’s some ideas:

  • DON’T support bombing Iran. There is zero evidence that they intend to build a nuclear bomb and, even if there were, it would take at least a decade for Iran to become an actual threat. That’s according to our own intelligence reports. Reading doesn’t make you a liberal, dum-dum.  
  • DON’T talk about banning a woman’s right to choose. All it does is make you look like you hate women and turn off female voters, plus Congress will never reverse Roe V. Wade anyway so what’s the point? If you are pro-life then push for funding education programs that raise awareness on safe sex practices and make birth control widely available. This is what’s called “being practical”. 
  • DON’T oppose inevitable social progresses. It’s obvious that things like gay marriage and marijuana will be legalized in time so stop fighting them, take a deep breath, and deal with it. You don’t have to actively support these things by dancing in gay pride parades while doing bong rips on a feathered float, but don’t cockblock the majority’s desire to evolve.  
  • DON’T stubbornly stick to the idea that tax cuts alone will fix anything just because your hero Reagan cut taxes. Yes, he did when he first got into office… but then the deficit increased three times over, income inequality increased dramatically, and unemployment shot up to 10.8%. To his credit, he then raised taxes twelve times to help remedy his mistake. Twelve times. Reality rarely fits your ideals, so learn to compromise when the needs of the present demand it. If bumbling Reagan was able to figure that out, so can you. 
  • DON’T reject science. You can still believe in God, that’s fine, but you need to accept some basics like evolution and climate change. You know, the stuff being taught in grade schools. 
  • DON’T call every solution to a problem that doesn’t fit your own as “socialist”. It’s both lazy and naive. Capitalism and socialism both have pros and cons, so accept what works and reject what doesn’t. You can argue about how much socialism should be injected into a capitalistic system or how to best go about it… but don’t outright reject it entirely.      

If you’re a Republican and you can accomplish these things, then you’ll be on the path out of crazy town and back on the road to having a respectable, moderate platform. And for fuck’s sake, get yourselves laid!!


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