The Weak Defense For New York

I frequently have expressed my hatred toward New York State for years, particularly the weather, but I’ve never addressed the counter arguments I’ve heard stubborn NY residents express. I’d like to systematically debunk these absurd positions.
1) “I like the changing of the seasons”. 

More often than not, people are referring to the changing of the leaves when they say this. And yes, there’s a two-to-four week period where the leaves turn a pretty red, orange, and yellow. But after that they turn to shit brown and die and then five months of frigid hell sets in before you’ll ever see ANY kind of leaf again. If you want to see the peak of the Fall foliage, visit the Adirondack Mountains for a weekend or even a week if you can afford the time away. But don’t put yourself through an entire NY winter for it. Unless you really, really hate yourself. 

2) “My family and friends live here.” 

Believe me, they’re miserable too. If they don’t have the good sense to bail on this shitty state then that’s their loss. Lead by example and get the hell out… maybe they’ll come around in the end. 

3) “But New York City…”

The most expensive city in the country AND it smells like piss?? Yeah, that’s worth the money. NYC also has the notoriously discriminating stop and frisk law so if you’re a minority you better watch your ass. The city in general is also filthy and overcrowded and is called the concrete jungle for a reason. Nature-lovers, you are out of luck. If you like to drive, forget it. Enjoy the sights and smells of the subway. Oh, and did we forget that NYC also gets it’s fair share of snow? And more recently it’s now on the map for flooding from tropical storms and hurricanes? Oh, what a wonderful place! Great for a weekend visit, but certainly a poor excuse for living in the state year round. 

4) “I’ve lived here all my life.”

If you’ve lived in NY for a decade or longer of your adult life then you should know better than anyone how shitty the state is. How can you use this as a defense? Lazy.

5) “I like to ski/snowboard.”

How often? Let’s say you go once a week for the entire shitty season, or twenty days, which is probably generous. NY winters generally include November-March… five months… roughly 150 days. The justification for enduring 150 days of shit is that 20 of them are enjoyable? That’s 13% of the time. What about the other 87% of the hellish season? Are you telling me that those 20 days are so overwhelmingly awesome that they make the other 130 shit days somehow forgettable? Of course not. This particular position is not only mathematically absurd, but it discounts the fact that most states do have skiable mountains. You can ski or snowboard in Los Angeles, after all. Just because you want fresh powder on the peaks doesn’t mean the land below needs to be covered in a foot of it too. SPOILER ALERT.

6) “But the food! I mean, c’mon… PIZZA…!”

Really? You’re going to defend living in a shitty state because of… pizza? The best slice I ever had was in Coronado, CA so what’s yer point?? And as far as the major chains, they ARE nationwide. Domino’s and Pizza Hut are everywhere. NY isn’t the only state with goddamn pizza.

7) “Well, at least the summers are nice…”

Yes, those two sole months where it’s warm enough to comfortably swim in a lake or a pool. But they’re also humid and sticky and tenants have to prop loud, bulky AC units in their windows if they’d want to wake up in a puddle of sweat because for some bizarre fucking reason most NY apartments don’t bother to have central air. There’s also a fair number of severe thunderstorms and occasional tornadoes. And this is the best two months that NY has to offer? Are ya kidding me??

Seriously, are you?

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