If your boyfriend breaks into your home through a window and is otherwise obsessive, that relationship is dead. If you leave your husband and he offers a $115,000 car to lure you back as though you are up for auction, that relationship is dead. If your boyfriend locks you in rooms and charges after you with a lacrosse stick, that relationship is dead. If your boyfriend assaults you in public and beats you at home so badly that you have to call in sick for a few days to heal that relationship is dead. And when I say “relationship”, I’m of course implying a meaningful one, as all healthy relationships should be.
All of the above might sound like obvious grounds for separation, but they are all still stunningly in full-swing except for one. Oh yes, these are all real relationship problems of family, friends, and co-workers that I personally know and have become privy to within only the past SIX MONTHS. Don’t get me started on the chick that had her jaw fractured by her husband and still wouldn’t divorce him until he was finally sentenced to 15 years for rape. And they had a child! Jesus…
Not only are ALL these ridiculous relationships ongoing (sans the one) but the women involved are going above and beyond to still try and “make it work”.
It’s been very saddening and frustrating for me to watch them put themselves through such voluntary hell, bitch about it, ask for advice, and then do the exact opposite when the healthy route has been so thoroughly laid out for them. I don’t ever expect people to blindly listen to me, but when I’m only stating the obvious… yeah. You SHOULD listen. If not, you either like to make yourself miserable (in which case, I have no sympathy for you) or you don’t have the guts to pursue true happiness (in which case, I have no respect for you) or you’re simply an idiot (in which case, please don’t ever procreate).
Women are victims when they are mistreated. Absolutely. But these women aren’t just getting burned, they’re putting their hands directly in fire and complaining when the skin starts melting off their hands. THAT is when my empathy fades. As much as many men need to start learning to respect women it is also women that need to start respecting themselves. I feel that this is a problem that is far too often overlooked.
If you refuse to respect yourself, refuse to move on, and refuse to even attempt to find someone that will actually treat you like the lovely ladies that you are, then you have to do something for me… and I cannot be more direct and sincere than this:
SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.
I don’t want to hear about how he was creepy AGAIN, how he hit you AGAIN, how he cheated on you AGAIN… none of it. It’s not news. Spoiler alert, I’m going to suggest you leave that loser. Doing otherwise repeatedly, over time, turns you into a loser too. And two losers deserve each other.
So if you want serious advice, I am still ready to listen. Always! If you’re too afraid to stand up to your man, let me know. If you need a mediator so the two of you can discuss your problems, let me know. If you need a place to stay for a night or two while you figure out what to do next, let me know. As long as the conversation yields productive change you will have my ear.
But if you have every intention of continuing your self-destructive path then I don’t want to hear another word about it. I mean, what’s the point? If you want to talk but don’t care about my reply then there are four walls in every room that are far more interested in listening to your latest avoidable drama. WAY more interested.
Finally, I’d be remiss not to add that the asshole men (and I use the term “men” very loosely) that cause women such pain to begin with deserve plenty of condemnation. Their behaviors cannot be excused with “well, he’s a drug addict” or “well, he had a rough childhood”, etc. That’s all bullshit. In grade school I was punched, kicked, beaten, and nearly had my head split open AND was almost set on fucking fire… meanwhile at home I was sporadically being beaten by my father. What did I do? I earned a black belt and joined a gym so I could defend myself. I made changes. For a few years of my adult life I abused alcohol to self-medicate my anxiety, resentment, and bitterness… but I never once resorted to violence. We all have our baggage to carry but it is NEVER an excuse to mistreat others.
Men need to respect women better, but women need to respect themselves better too. The asshole members of my gender will never change, never wake up, never fucking mature, unless they’re forced to recognize their behavior. Put your foot down, ladies. You have countless options out there and no time to waste. It may be a platitude, but life really is too goddamn short to waste on shitty people.
Don’t ever be a crutch for an asshole.